11-24-2023 FRIDAY
The passage of time terrifies me. The things that I do not do eat at me. I feel like too many things have passed me by & yet I feel I am too young to feel this way. The only interesting thing I have been up to is longboarding & one of the nuts popped loose. It's really not serious. Yet it feels that way. Being active makes my chest hurt & I'm not sure how useful my meds will be. I have not created anything in a while. Nothing astounding in years. I wish I hadn't isolated in my teen years. I wish I had more experiences. Ever since I was very young I had known I wanted a guitar & yet I never did. I can't even recall what my past christmas wishes have been. I wasn't really the type of kid to truly let myself want. But now I want more than anything. And want to live for myself & by my rules more than anything. I can do the same song and dance of being an adult over & over again, but I think I'm going to tire of it quickly. Maybe I will go out into the AT.

11-26-2023 SUNDAY
Great burst of energy. Feel like I'm focusing on trying to feel alive again. Need to harness some of that energy into winter temp job applications but man it feels good. Will make a list of tasks today after I actually sleep. Hope I'm not manic.

11-29-2023 WEDNESDAY
Lost the energy I had Sunday this week. Maybe it's because it's been snowing that I don't have much interesting in doing anything lately. Winter is still my favorite season but after becoming more active not being able to go outside demotivates me. I would love to take off and out of here but alas again--winter. I really should find a temp job, but it's probably too late by now. Plus, I kind of want to stay with my family for the holidays. I wish I didn't bond with my younger cousins as much as I have. It's going to make taking off even harder. But I want nothing more than to--at least for now--travel & not settle & pretend it's even possible to live a satisfied life with the way things function because of how the human race has socialized itself. I really wish I hadn't burried myself in this hole. Getting out is going to be hell.

12-1-2023 FRIDAY
Feeling very dismayed at all the things I have put off so long that doing them now feels wrong and impossible. It makes me sick to my stomach to think about the ways I have let down others & myself by doing so. I keep wasting potential opprotunities. Sometimes the time is a good thing beacuse it allows me to view what I was going to do differently but often times I wait too long.

12-29-2023 FRIDAY
New year's day and 20th coming up. Can't decide whether or not I feel accomplished. I certainly have learned a lot this year. I think I know where I go from here. But I'm not so so sure. Still have lots of real stuff I haven't done. Habits to regain. Need to heal my ankle up so I can go outside again. I have one resolution. To live content without guilt. I would like to try and thank everyone before I go. Not sure how yet. Nothing feels good enough.

1-1-2024 MONDAY
Eighteen days until I turn twenty. I don't know if I still lack follow-through. I have a lot of things going for me right now. Minus physical conditions like sickness(my god im tired of the lack of any public health ediquette) and an ankle sprain that is still deeply painful. I still don't know if I should chamge course and slog away or live right now with risks. I don't want to live waiting for the future. The present matters more. I just care too much about what others think & I'm scared to trust that I can make what I want work for me. But I have my bass. I have shit to sell. I have people who love me. I have a will to live.
Resolutions: Make a travel plan. Write a list of top birds to see in the US. Plan a detailed itinerary for every state. Make a zine. Write short stories or poetry collection. Send over something to junkie scholar press. Start a one-man band. Eat fresh, foraged, hunted. Find a way to give back to the people that have given so much. Learn how to balance personal nuances.