11-24-2023 FRIDAY
The passage of time terrifies me. The things that I do not do eat at me. I feel like too many things have passed me by & yet I feel I am too young to feel this way. The only interesting thing I have been up to is longboarding & one of the nuts popped loose. It's really not serious. Yet it feels that way. Being active makes my chest hurt & I'm not sure how useful my meds will be. I have not created anything in a while. Nothing astounding in years. I wish I hadn't isolated in my teen years. I wish I had more experiences. Ever since I was very young I had known I wanted a guitar & yet I never did. I can't even recall what my past christmas wishes have been. I wasn't really the type of kid to truly let myself want. But now I want more than anything. And want to live for myself & by my rules more than anything. I can do the same song and dance of being an adult over & over again, but I think I'm going to tire of it quickly. Maybe I will go out into the AT.

11-26-2023 SUNDAY
Great burst of energy. Feel like I'm focusing on trying to feel alive again. Need to harness some of that energy into winter temp job applications but man it feels good. Will make a list of tasks today after I actually sleep. Hope I'm not manic.

11-29-2023 WEDNESDAY
Lost the energy I had Sunday this week. Maybe it's because it's been snowing that I don't have much interesting in doing anything lately. Winter is still my favorite season but after becoming more active not being able to go outside demotivates me. I would love to take off and out of here but alas again--winter. I really should find a temp job, but it's probably too late by now. Plus, I kind of want to stay with my family for the holidays. I wish I didn't bond with my younger cousins as much as I have. It's going to make taking off even harder. But I want nothing more than to--at least for now--travel & not settle & pretend it's even possible to live a satisfied life with the way things function because of how the human race has socialized itself. I really wish I hadn't burried myself in this hole. Getting out is going to be hell.

12-1-2023 FRIDAY
Feeling very dismayed at all the things I have put off so long that doing them now feels wrong and impossible. It makes me sick to my stomach to think about the ways I have let down others & myself by doing so. I keep wasting potential opprotunities. Sometimes the time is a good thing beacuse it allows me to view what I was going to do differently but often times I wait too long.

12-29-2023 FRIDAY
New year's day and 20th coming up. Can't decide whether or not I feel accomplished. I certainly have learned a lot this year. I think I know where I go from here. But I'm not so so sure. Still have lots of real stuff I haven't done. Habits to regain. Need to heal my ankle up so I can go outside again. I have one resolution. To live content without guilt. I would like to try and thank everyone before I go. Not sure how yet. Nothing feels good enough.

1-1-2024 MONDAY
Eighteen days until I turn twenty. I don't know if I still lack follow-through. I have a lot of things going for me right now. Minus physical conditions like sickness(my god im tired of the lack of any public health ediquette) and an ankle sprain that is still deeply painful. I still don't know if I should chamge course and slog away or live right now with risks. I don't want to live waiting for the future. The present matters more. I just care too much about what others think & I'm scared to trust that I can make what I want work for me. But I have my bass. I have shit to sell. I have people who love me. I have a will to live.
Resolutions: Make a travel plan. Write a list of top birds to see in the US. Plan a detailed itinerary for every state. Make a zine. Write short stories or poetry collection. Send over something to junkie scholar press. Start a one-man band. Eat fresh, foraged, hunted. Find a way to give back to the people that have given so much. Learn how to balance personal nuances.

10-30-2024 WEDNESDAY
Another year dead in the water. I can't believe I've been here for over a year and again I have nothing to show for it. Well, that's a bit harsh. I think I've learned more about befriending people than before, and I have friends who are quite different than me--definitely a new experience. I had a 30 yr old butch dance with me during pride... but she and others seem obsessed with filming and capturing the moment in ways that weird me out. But even though I've made friends I'm very much in a rut again. I think I hate the college bureaucracy and environment too much to chase after a degree. I also don't want to sacrifice myself for something that isn't really guaranteed. As much as I would love a job that changes the system within, I feel like I was meant for blue collar work. It just feels right--but I dont know how I'll physically handle it in the future. All the SCA jobs I applied to didn't get back to me except massachusetts conservation corp. I should have taken it but I was worried about how demanding it seemed--and especially how long the shifts were. I applied to several jobs through coolworks this time and I'm hoping something lands that isn't all the way in May next year. I knew I couldn't handle 16 credit hours AND all honors/technical classes with my outside responsibilities and chronic illness and STILL I LET PEOPLE CONVINCE ME I COULD. I wasted my time again!!!! I'm not sure I'll ever learn that I can trust my gut. I'm going to take MY path that PRESENT me needs. I only hopped into college because I was struggling to find a good job (took a shitty ass retail job in the spring that made me jaded as hell) and knew that obviously I would get in. It was something so I didn't feel like a neet leeching on her grandmother. Also, no longer love winter. Heart-broken but true. I actually love summer now. Is this what coming out of a self-destroying depression feels like? I'm definitely still depressed, but I don't wallow in it. Kinda...

11-04-2024 MONDAY
Weather has me exausted like no other. Wanted to go somewhere but it's pouring down so bad and I'm barely holding onto reality. I need to sleep better and chuck my phone somewhere far away. Might keep my chemistry class and see if I can take it online. Need to return all my books. I wish I had a physical copy of my chem book. I might be able to borrow one. All my other classes are definitely doomed, especially math. I need to see my doctor. I don't know if it's all the stress and anxiety but my blood pressure feels so off. It gets really bad during my period or any small sickness and it is really fucking me up. I can't take classes where teachers punish you for missing days. Which is most classes. SO I'm fucked. Yay. I hope POWDR gets back to me when they take ownership of Zion and other places next jan. I hope. I could use a win. For now, I want to practice camping in this field near where I live. I need to get supplies and I need to get rid of all the unnecessary shit I have in my room, which is a lot. I hope it won't bother my friend too much if I ask him. I don't want to ask him for too many favors....
Hoping to stay in one honor's class now, but those classes are a lot of work and I don't know if I'll be able to meet the volunteer hours. If I can't take english online, I'll do my sociology class. It's at least only one day a week and doesn't make me get up at 6 am like english did. Lots and lots of work though, but I think it will be managable without math and english. Worried about the research project though.... I need to see what my winter financial aid will look like with this mess. I'm not planning to actually take classes but I might as well in case POWDR rejects me. I keep impulsively self-sabotaging. Sucks ass!!! But it's true that I'm just living live as "normal" and stable as possible instead of looking for present satisfaction and happiness. But what am I supposed to do really? I'm not very self-sufficient.

11-16-2024 SATURDAY
I went through yesterday completely unaware that it was Friday. After a week and a half of doing practically nothing but lying in bed I finally have some relief of the anhedonia that's been plaguing me. I went to bed at four today and woke up at eight. So I'm sure everything will be great. I'm currently "working" on my honors classwork but I don't have much brain power to write a good synthesis response. And my sinuses/head hurt. I need to just stick this out and get the semester over with but I have less than a month to get all my shit together. Whoops. Kms.